went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
