Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
