i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
