I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
