I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
