Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
