Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My life is pants optional.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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