remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
