he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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