i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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