You smell like a Billy Joel song
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
