You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
