Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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