I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dignity is for republicans.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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