All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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