I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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