You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
