So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
