Just cropdusted the office
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Then you guys just all showered together...?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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