I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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