I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
