Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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