Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She told me I should be a condom model.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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