Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
