my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
