my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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