I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
