The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
