im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Vodka?
Forever.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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