I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
