My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
