i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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