Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
