I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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