The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
