Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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