she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
