So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
