Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
