Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
