my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Text me some of your sweat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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