I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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