My Higher Power is John Stamos
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
