I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
