I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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