You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
