I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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