so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
