put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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