i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
