Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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