i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
